Nissan Patrol Review (5.6 V8 LE Premium) - Road Trip Level: Big League

When the task came up to transport my six-deep family squad from Cape Town to Knysna and back for the Simola Hillclimb earlier this month, comfort and sheer seatability was non-negotiable. There's a fair amount of skin in this particular luxury game from Europe and Asia, but since the theme of the event was performance, a V8-powered Nissan was high on my list. As luck would have it, a black beast with creamy leather was available, and the symphony of eight petrol-incinerating cylinders could begin.

Now, I’m not sure what the metric for road presence is, but…

The Nissan Patrol has all of it, think Guggenheim Museum on 18-inch alloy wheels shod in some tremendous rubber. It's not a pretty car, as for handsome - well how do you feel about Willem Dafoe? In its defense it isn't trying to be, representing instead all the Yokohama firm's flagship might, hence the block-of-flats aesthetic accommodating my full family, all our belongings and still having acres of space. Add to that a ton of modcons and you correctly get the idea of what a perfect road companion the Patrol is.

Still on that massive exterior, it’s worth being reminded that while the Patrol has been traditionally a rectangle with wheels, this generation shares all its hard points with the even more premium Infiniti QX800, a famously swoopy affair considering its dimensions. 

But what does it go like?

Most of the trip was done on tarmac - the windy asphalt of the R62 coming up, and the scenic Garden Route of the N2 on our return trip. Six hours up, just over five hours down, and since you’re dying to know we evened out our consumption around 16.9l/100km. I won’t say ‘not bad’, rather what do you expect from three-tonnes moving by virtue of a 298kW/560Nm petrol-powered V8.

We hoped to match, but in the end didn’t come close to Nissan’s claimed consumption of 14.4l/100km but with the winding roads of the Cape open for business I am willing to accept full responsibility for the high number.  It’s somewhat a testament of a great drive, a powerful naturally aspirated engine and an engaging helm that cannot hide from the sheer size of the thing.

As a result the handling is predictable, measured as opposed to cumbersome, but competent enough to make the quicker trip home at night that much more enjoyable. It’s just a bloody, bloody big thing.

On board entertainment

It’s not meant to be a racecar obviously, rather a mobile disco and movie theatre which you need to climb up and into – it’s high. Here lives nine cupholders, a duo of USB ports in the front alone, an 8-inch touchscreen commanding the infotainment and navigation systems plus a further pair of entertainment screens in the headrests and of course a pumping audio system.

Add to all of the above a veritable raft of safety and augmenting technologies thanks to Nissan’s Intelligent Mobility suite and you have a very complete package from Nissan.

Ok, let’s wrap this up

Of course it costs R1,3 million. There’s just so much car here, and by car we really mean real estate. It’s massive, loaded with kit, has a sophisticated powertrain and a 4x4 system that can roll it over anything in its path.

The likes of the Toyota Land Cruiser 200 have proven that there is great demand for a vehicle like this, and then there’s a little country I like to call Dubai (because that is in fact its name) where the Patrol finds particular infamy and fame in equal parts. It does most certainly not follow the European trend set by Land Rover, BMW, Mercedes-Benz and Audi, there’s nothing car-like about the Patrol and that in itself carries a fair amount of charm.

It’s refreshing to find a 4x4 that does precisely what it says it will on the very large tin – and why not, it’s been doing this for almost 70 years. If the price doesn’t put you off prepare to be rewarded with the sort of go-anywhere-ability I’d argue you won’t match in those aforementioned cars.